


reminiscing

by balancedewenti



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cheating, M/M, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 12:24:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16892568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/balancedewenti/pseuds/balancedewenti
Summary: what i miss is absolute passion, you asking for forgiveness as you hugged me til' it hurt.





	1. Chapter 1

"let's break up."

"no, _xiao you, please-"_

zhangjing's breath hitched, standing still as the arms encircled him tightly.

"i'm sorry, i really love you. it was just a stupid mistake that i should've never done. you mean the world to me, i know you love me too, _xiao you_."

he felt his walls slowly crumble as yanjun hugged him tighter than ever, sobbing into his shoulder.

"don't leave me, please. i love you, zhangjing."

and just like that, zhangjing pretended nothing happened.

//

zhangjing smiled fondly at the memory, remembering how much he had meant to yanjun. how yanjun had treasured him more than anything after that, cutting off any contact with linong, telling him every morning how much he loved zhangjing.

 

but that was a year ago.

 

as much as he hated it, people change, and that was exactly what happened.

 

five months in, yanjun had suddenly become distant, no longer sending texts of _'i love you_ 's in the morning, or coming over every time his work had ended.

zhengting had told him over coffee that linong had returned from the states, yet zhangjing had just replied with _good for him_ , pretending not to know what his friend was implying.

and then he received the text message .

_**'see you tomorrow, nongnong.'** _

//

"what does this mean? huh? are you fucking kidding me, lin yanjun?" "it's just a fucking text message! just because i had an affair with him doesn't mean we can't still be friends! stop being so damn sensitive!"

zhangjing reeled back.

"you said you loved me, and you didn't care for linong," tears streamed down zhangjing's cheeks. _"you don't love me anymore_."

"whatever, think however you want."

zhangjing stood in the living room, motionless, tear stains covering the carpet floor as he watched yanjun storm out of his apartment, not turning.

//

"oh. hey, zhangjing."

zhangjing snapped back to reality as the door shut close, yanjun awkwardly shuffling off his shoes.

"you're usually in your room at this timing." he commented.

"yeah." zhangjing replied dryly.

yanjun sniffed, scratching the nape of his neck.

"so- do you need anything?" _"i know about it."_

he watched as yanjun froze for a few seconds, before he sighed.

"you do, huh?"

zhangjing nodded, looking down at his feet.

"he's really handsome." "yeah."

silence filled the room as they blanked out, realization sinking in.

zhangjing watched as every moment of their relationship passed through his eyes. from when yanjun was chasing after him in high school, to graduating university together, getting an apartment on their second year, to the first argument, their first breakup, and the promise to love for eternity. all of which lead up to this moment.

_"where did we go wrong?"_

zhangjing whispered out.

"i'm sorry." yanjun put his head between his hands, exhaling loudly.

"don't---don't be. you just f-fell out of--" zhangjing trembled as the sobs racked through his body in waves, every memory of their love replaying in his mind.

"i'll go.. pack my things."

zhangjing stood still for what seemed like forever, tears never ending as he didn't hold back his sobs.

he looked up when yanjun coughed, a luggage in tow with him.

"i once loved you, zhangjing. more than anything."

"i know."

and this time, as he left, zhangjing stood alone, no tears coming out anymore, knowing that yanjun would never return again.

the door closed.

//

_what i miss, is no words left unsaid._

_what i miss, is us dreaming together._

_what i miss, is even after fighting, the urge to still love you._

_what i miss, is being moved beyond words._

_what i miss, is absolute passion._

_what i miss, is you asking for my forgiveness, hugging me til' it hurt._

_maybe i loved it all too much._


	2. i will always remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we loved, we were in love, and that's enough.

_You_ _have_ _been_ _invited_ _to_ _the_ _wedding_ _of:_  
_Chen_ _Linong_ _ & __Lin_ _Yanjun_

five years later, yet it still didn't hurt any less.

_"_ _zhangjing_ _,_ _you_ _done_ _?"_  
"y-yeah!"

he put down the card as zhengting walked into his room, one hand adjusting his tie.

the other male glanced at the card on zhangjing's desk and looked at him with a knowing look.

"come on, we'll be late." he said softly.

zhangjing nodded, taking one last look at the card before turning for the door.  
//

"don't worry, i'm here for you." zhengting pat the older's knee.

"yeah."

they watched as yanjun stood at the front, wearing a white suit, hair parted in the middle, with a smile on his face.

_why_ _does_ _he_ _have_ _to_ _look_ _so_ _beautiful_ _?_

the sound of camera snapping filled the room as everyone witnessed the other groom walk down the aisle.

linong grinned shyly as he reached the front, yanjun holding out a hand for him.  
//

"how would you want our wedding to be like?"

"we've only been together for three years, lin yanjun!" zhangjing slapped his arm playfully.

yanjun shrugged, grinning at the thought. "it's good to think ahead of time."

"hmm.."

"i would want us to be in matching white suits, with roses in our pockets. i want to invite every person we know, even teacher zhang."

zhangjing gasped. "teacher zhang _despises_ you."

_"i know."_

they laughed loudly, staring at the white ceiling of the classroom.

"can't believe we're graduating already, you know? seems like yesterday when i was just chasing you."

zhangjing giggled at the memory of yanjun standing outside his classroom after class everyday without fail, asking him to be his boyfriend.

"guess we can only look forward now."

"i'll wait til we get married then." yanjun teased.

"lin yanjun!"  
//

"---may now kiss your other half."

zhangjing stared as yanjun leaned in, one hand on linong's cheek as their lips met.

_that_ _could've_ _been_ _me_ _._

"i think that's enough for this night." he watched as zhengting stood up, ready to leave.

"let's go."  
"n-no wait!"

his hand clutched onto zhengting's sleeve.

zhengting frowned at him.

"don't--don't be like this. we came here to give them our blessings, remember?" he pleaded.

the other male kept silent for a few seconds, before sighing and falling back onto his seat reluctantly.

"fine, we'll stay for the food."  
//

"does it taste good?"

zhangjing nodded, not bothering to look up from his plate of fried noodles.

"tsk. so good until your cheeks are filled completely." zhengting giggled.

"but really--" the older male swallowed. "this is my favourite dish, i can't believe they even ordered it for this wedding."

the realization hit zhengting as soon as zhangjing completed his sentence.  
"its your.... favourite?"

"yeah, i used to eat this all the time."  
"zhangjing, i think this isn't just a coinci--"

**_"_ ** **_zhengting_ ** **_,_ ** **_zhangjing_ ** **_."_ **

zhangjing stilled.

"ah, yanjun and linong! congratulations on the wedding!"

and then he made the mistake of looking up--  
and immediately staring into the eyes of his ex-lover.

"zhangjing." yanjun nodded.

"yanjun."

the name felt foreign on his tongue, having not said it in so long.

"can i-- speak to you privately?"

his head snapped to linong, who just smiled at him.

"i---" zhengting grabbed his forearm.  
"sure."

he pulled his arm from zhengting's grasp, following yanjun out of the hall.  
//

"how have you been?"

_horrible_ _,_ _i_ _just_ _miss_ _you_ _more_ _everyday_ _,_ _and_ _i_ _want_ _to_ _cry_ _knowing_ _i_ _could've_ _been_ _the_ _one_ _in_ _linong's_ _place_ _right_ _now_ _._

_"_ _great_ _."_

he glanced away as yanjun stared at him, as if he could see through his facade.

"do you still love me?"  
  
"yes."

zhangjing felt his eyes wetting as he stared back at yanjun. "i love you, lin yanjun, i still do. but you have someone else to love now, and linong's a great person."

" _why_ _didnt_ _you_ _tell_ _me_ _of_ _all_ _this_ _,_ _then_ _?"_

zhangjing jumped at the unexpected shout.

"why didn't you tell me how much you loved me before i walked out that door? why didn't you hold my hand and beg me not to leave? why didn't you _try_ _?"_

a piece of zhangjing's heart broke as he heard yanjun cry.

"because--because i knew that you were no longer mine, you already had someone else that could love you with their 120 percent.

i came here for closure yanjun, not for you to break my heart again."

they stood in silence, tears rolling down both their faces, raw emotion filling their hearts.

zhangjing smiled, bittersweet, as he glanced at the ring on yanjun's finger.

"i love you, yanjun. but so does linong, and he deserves you more than i do."

and this time, it was him who left, turned around and never looked back once.

he entered zhengting's car silently that night, heart open and grieving, but at peace.

they loved, they were in love, and that was enough for him.

**Author's Note:**

> yikes


End file.
